Spawn's Marraige
by OptimusPrime217
Summary: See how Spawn's new marraige is. Also learn why you don't mess with Ghost Rider. Warning: mild language and sexual references
1. Chapter 1

Spawn walks into his apartment after a long day's work as a janitor for microsoft. His day was terrible, some jerk at the office had a booze birthday party and unfortunately for Spawn, cake and booze don't mix well. Spawn fell backwards onto his couch and was about to relax until he was greeted by his wife, the red haired She-Spawn who was wearing a robe over her symbiotic costume which covered her athletic body.

"Spawn, we need to talk," She-Spawn began.

"Not now Angie," Spawn said exhausted.

"Don't you 'not now' me asshole!" she raised her voice and wagged her index finger. "Spawn, I'm going to get straight to the point, I want a baby."

Spawn stood up sternly. "Woman we're dead, we can't have babies!"

Angela aka She-Spawn put her hands on her hips. "Oh but you'll go around and screw your ex and birth the goddamn AntiChrist!"

"Don't you bring her into this!" Spawn defended his ex-wife.

"SHUT UP!" Ghost Rider yelled as he barged through his neighbors door. "They're showing a goddamn, uncensored 'Friday the 13th' marathon and your bitching is ruining it!"

Ghost Rider left the Spawn's apartment and went back to his own right across from theirs.

"Why the fuck do you always protect your ex-wife?" Angela asked her husband.

"Well...what do you want me to say?" Spawn pathetically questioned.

"Damn it Spawn! It's been 5 years, she's moved on, why can't you!?" she continued to argue.

"She's the one who started all this! Hell if it weren't for her you'd never meet me!"

Spawn's excuse didn't convince his wife. "Yeah, after you knocked her up!"

Ghost Rider barges in again. "SHUT UP!" He leaves back to his apartment.

"Why do you still bring that up?" Spawn questioned Angela.

"Because you'll give her a baby that'll probably destroy the whole world yet you refuse to start a family with me!" she yelled.

"For the last time, SHUT UP!" Ghost Rider barged in one more time.

"You shut up asshole!" Spawn insulted the other anti-hero from Hell.

"THAT'S IT!" Ghost Rider exploded and stomped towards the 2 hellspawns. He towered over them at 7'5 and even though he was a flaming skeleton, he was able to lift the 2 hellspawns up to his head.

**5 minutes later**

Ghost Rider had Spawn and She-Spawn chained to their couch.

"What are you going to do?" Spawn questioned his fellow hell warrior.

"I...am going to teach you 2...why you don't argue while I'm watching a movie and waiting for pizza." Ghost Rider said as he tightend the chains.

"What're you going to do, use your stare?" She-Spawn questioned.

"Oh no, I have something much worse in store for you 2," Ghost Rider said sinisterly.

"What's that?" Spawn asked. After looking into Ghost Rider's eyes, he knew what was about to happen was 10 times worse than Ghost Rider's stare.And he was right when Ghost Rider took out a dvd.

"You're going to punish it us with a dvd?" She-Spawn questioned.

"It's not just any dvd! It's the unrated cut of 'I Know Who Killed Me'," Ghost Rider explained.

"No please, anything but that!" She-Spawn pleaded.

"We promise we'll never argue again!" Spawn yelled.

"It's too late for that!" Ghost Rider yelled before he wired the Spawn family's eyes open and put on the tv and popped in the dvd. He left the 2 Spawn's to their torture and left but not before stealing the triple fudge ice-cream and kool-aid from their freezer.

**1 and a half hours later**

Ghost Rider came back once the movie was over and saw that Spawn and Angela were right where he left them.

"Now, have we learned our lesson?" Ghost Rider said as he undid She-Spawn's chains and eye wires.

"YES!" she cried when she was free. "I'll never argue with my husband while you're watching a movie marathon! I love you Spawn, I'm sorry!"

She hugged her husband while crying but then realized he wasn't saying anything. She thought he was ignoring her but she then realized that he was drooling.

"What's happend to him?" she asked.

"Oh he's just lobotomized. He'll come to in about half an hour." he explained.

**A/N: I just wanted to try something new and show the side of the other heroes in the Hero Clerks universe. I always felt that Spawn needed to move on eventually and to me, Ghost Rider always felt like the 'Fuck you and leave me alone' type of guy.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Spawn or She-Spawn, they're properties of Image. Ghost Rider is property of Marvel. I also don't own Angela, she belongs to Neil Gaiman and Todd McFarlane, I only own the idea to make Angela She-Spawn


	2. Chapter 2

Spawn awoke from his lobotomy caused by Ghost Rider's torture. The first sight he saw once he woke up was his wife looking down on him with concern all over her face.

"Angie…" Spawn moaned as he painfully tried to get up but She-Spawn eased him back down into the couch. "What happened?"

"You don't want to know," she winced. "How do you feel?"

"Like hell was a lot more comforting compared to whatever I just experienced," Spawn replied sarcastically as he rubbed his head.

"So…." She-Spawn wrapped her arms around her husband and lays her head on his shoulder. "Have you've been thinking about what we've talked about?"

Spawn looks down at his wife with a mix of anger and confusion. "I wake up from being lobotomized and the only thing you can think about is making babies?"

She-Spawn looked at her husband in shock and let go of him."D-Damn it Spawn, are you always going to deny me a family!"

Spawn stood up and turned his back on his wife. He then sighed. "Angie it's not you it's….uh…. well how will we support it?"

She-Spawn stood up angrily and pointed at Spawn furiously. "Don't give me that crap Spawn, we both knows the only reason you don't want to start a fucking family is because you don't know when to let go!"

Spawn turned around in shock and anger. "What're you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about you burnt asshole! For Christ sake you keep calling me Wanda whenever we fuck!" she yelled.

"Oh just that one time," He defended.

"Yeah," she started pointing at her fingers. "That one time last week, that one time a month ago, that one time before that, that other time before that and God knows how many more times!"

"Well…" Spawn clenched his fists in anger. "What's your fucking point?"

"GODDAMN IT SPAWN!" She-Spawn began to cry and clench her fists as the tears slid down her symbiotic mask. "She thinks your dead and a monster. I always thought deep down you were just misunderstood and actually a nice guy but I was wrong. You're just another asshole hell spawn and I gave up my position in heaven for nothing. I hate you and I can't believe I actually said yes to marry you!

She-Spawn ran to her and Spawn's room crying and slammed the door behind her. Spawn walked up to the door and knocked.

"Angela?" Spawn called for his wife with concern. She opened the door and threw a pillow and blanket at him, obviously implying that she wanted him to sleep on the couch. She slammed the door and Spawn could hear her crying again. He softly banged his head against the door and sighed sadly.

"You really are an asshole," Spawn heard a deep voice next to him.

"Who dares…." Spawn turned his head to see…Ghost Rider of all people. "Oh it's you. What do you want?"

"I'm here to help you out with you marriage," Ghost Rider responded.

"How're you going to do that by showing me the High School Musical trilogy?" Spawn questioned sarcastically.

"No I'm saving that for the next time you disturb my peace," Ghost Rider replied calmly. "No, I'm doing the whole 'It's a wonderful life' gig where I show you how your life would be like if you stayed with your widow."

"How the hell is that going to help me? Better yet, why do you care?" Spawn asked baffled.

"Because your inability to let go causes your wife to cry and if your wife cries I can't get any peace in my own apartment," Ghost Rider walked up to Spawn, grabbed him by the collar and brought him up to his eye level. "And if I don't get any peace, my neighbor pays. Understand?"

"Yes sir," Spawn squeaked.

"Good," Ghost Rider lets go of him and Spawn luckily landed on his feet. "Let's go."

A portal came up next to Ghost Rider and he began to walk into it.

"Wait!" Spawn stopped Ghost Rider. "Is this going to be the continuity where I went to hell because I killed my unborn baby, the continuity where I go to hell for being an assassin or the one where I go to hell because my parents made some weird deal with the devil or something?"

"Spawn your continuity's been screwed up recently that even I don't understand it," Ghost Rider responded. "We'll just go back to the original stuff before McFarlane started getting too caught up in his business crap."

They both enter the portal and on the other side is New York. There was to say the least, something different about this New York. It was actually clean, bright, and promising.

"Why are we here? It looks like a nice place," Spawn commented on the scenery.

"Yes but for all the wrong reasons. Well wrong for you at least," Ghost Rider pointed at an area. "Look over there."

Spawn looked to where Ghost Rider was pointing and saw the Trump tower. "The Trump tower? What's wrong with that?"

Ghost Rider realized where Spawn was looking. "What? Oh, wrong place. Look a little bit to the east."

Spawn did as he was told and saw his old alley, Rat City. "Rat City? That's where I use to live, what's the difference here?"

"Come with me," Spawn followed Ghost Rider into the alley and he saw a tall burnt man dressed in rags with a five 'o' clock shadow and a whiskey bottle. He was apparently asleep.

"Who's that?"

"You sure you want to know?" Ghost Rider asked.

"Well I didn't come to some alternate time line for nothing," Spawn replied.

"That's you."

"WHAT!?" Spawn yelled. "How?"

"Well, you survived being burned alive by Chapel, "Ghost Rider explained before putting his chin in his hand. "Or was it Jessica Priest? Oh well, after you got back your wife realized that you're no American hero and so she handed you divorce papers in the hospital. Why she didn't do this in the first place is a mystery to me. So you lose everything, she remarries…..the end." Ghost Rider explained uncharacteristically calm.

"So wait, the only difference between this timeline and the current one is that I never get the hell powers?" Spawn questioned.

"Yeah," Ghost Rider replied not really caring about Spawn's reaction. "Come on, there's more. Your current marriage not only affected your life but your comics."

In an instant, Spawn and Ghost Rider were in front of Marvel studios.

"What're we doing here?" Spawn angrily questioned Ghost Rider, believing that he was leading him nowhere.

"Calm down!" Ghost Rider yelled. "Now remember in the 1990's when McFarlane left Marvel to start Image?"

"Yeah, that's how I was created in the first place."

"Well after McFarlane left, your comic only lasted about 10 issues, Savage Dragon got sold to Dark Horse, and Image went bankrupt after less than a year and McFarlane was left penniless. "

"What's that got to do with anything?" Spawn turned his back on Ghost Rider and crossed his arms.

"Well after Image went bankrupt it was because of your half-assed success. Oh and Spawn..." Ghost Rider turned Spawn around, grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the wall before getting in his face. "Don't ever turn your back on me again!"

"Yes sir," Spawn squeaked and Ghost Rider let him go. "After McFarlane left Image he had to beg for his old job back. Come on, I'll show you."

In an instant, Spawn and Ghost Rider were in the editor-in-chief's office of Joe Quesada and Todd McFarlane was in front of him in a kneeling position.

"Pleeeaaasee Joe, give me my old job back I'm begging you!" McFarlane cried pitifully.

"That's pathetic," Spawn commented on the sight of his creator as an emotional wreck.

"Oh it gets worse," Ghost Rider took out a black book from his jacket and opens it. "By the time he's fifty his stomach becomes so ulcer ridden that……oh wait that's you."

Spawn looks down at his stomach with worry in his eyes before looking back at the pitiful sight of his creator trying to get his job back.

"So you want to go back to drawing for Spider-Man again?" Quesada asked McFarlane, who nodded teary eyed. "Well there is one way to get you a job in that comic again."

Quesada unzips his pants and McFarlane gets the point. "N-N-No, please Joe I'm a married man."

"Well do you want to give your wife everything she needs don't you!?" Joe yelled at McFarlane. McFarlane nodded. "Then get on your knees and open your mouth."

Todd concedes and begins to do as he's told. Spawn turned around before things get worse and fortunately they were outside. Spawn runs to the nearest trash can and starts to throw up. Ghost Rider pats him on the back.

"Jesus! Did he really become that desperate?" Spawn asked when he was finished tossing his cookies.

"Yeah but that desperation paid off," they walk out of the ally. "After he got his job back Spider-Man sales went through the roof and that's because McFarlane didn't make the screw ups of the 90's. That means no anti-hero Venom, no clone saga, no Sins Past, and One More Day did happen but it made more sense. Spider-Man and his wife actually get divorced because he was having an affair with Black Cat instead of all that garbage about a deal with that **BASTARD MEPHISTO!**

"McFarlane actually did all that?" Spawn asked.

"Oh yeah, after he started working on Spider-Man again McFarlane became editor-in-chief of Marvel and therefore all of Marvel's mistakes were corrected. No heroes reborn, Jean Grey's still alive, Captain America's still alive and even the movie mistakes were corrected."

"What do you mean?"

"Well we got a more believable Spider-Man," Ghost Rider pointed at a Spider-Man DVD that showed that Jake Gyllenhaal was starring as Spidey. Spawn also saw favorable reviews on a Daredevil DVD. "Not only that but there was no Elektra movie, X-Men 3 was directed by Bryan Singer and Spider-Man 3 actually made twice as much as The Dark Knight thanks to fixing some mistakes."

"Like what?" Spawn asked.

"Well they got rid of Sandman, they focused more on the black costume, and the extra time in the movie was focused on Venom. They also got a better Venom," Ghost Rider pointed at a poster for Spider-Man 3 showed a Venom that actually looked threatening and it showed that he was played by the second greatest actor of all time, Clancy Brown.

"Also my film did better thanks to some better decisions," Ghost Rider took out a DVD of his movie but the difference was that it was directed by Tim Burton and starred the greatest actor of all time, Robert Downey Jr. This got Ghost Rider into thinking. "You know you don't have to fix your marriage, I like how things are right now.

"Ghost Rider this isn't about you!" Spawn exploded. "And I don't care about everyone else's success! What happened to Angela?"

"Finally you ask a question that makes sense," Ghost Rider sighed in relief. "Well without you by her side, she started drinking, gained about 10 or 15 pounds, and, well……."

Suddenly Spawn and Ghost Rider were back in Rat City and Ghost Rider opens a door in the alley. What Spawn saw inside shocked him more than the sight of his creator sucking Joe Quesada's dick. Inside was Angela without the symbiotic costume and hanging from a noose. Spawn ran to her and got her off the noose but he knew he was too late. He cradled his dead wife's corpse in his arms crying over her.

"No, no, no, no she didn't deserve this," Spawn cried.

"Well of course she didn't deserve this but you were the one who didn't know how to move on with your life. Spawn the reason I did this was because you have everything I would ever want. A woman who loves you for who and what you are, a steady paying job, and the ability to breed and you took all that for granted. True I hate the world, I'm a demon who strikes fear at first glance, I torture the guilty and those who piss me off, and I'm anti-social but I'd change all that to have a woman say I love you." Ghost Rider explained with a small hint of sadness in his deep, baritone voice.

"And I have all that," Spawn finally got all that through his thick skull. "Ghost Rider I don't want to lose what I have and so I want to live again."

"Dumbass I'm promising that you can have your life the way it is, I never promised that I'd bring you back to life," Ghost Rider explained.

"You know what I mean."

"You're right," Ghost Rider opened the portal again. "Come on."

Spawn began to walk towards the portal before Ghost Rider stopped him. "Spawn aren't you forgetting about something?"

Spawn realized that he was still holding Angela's corpse and set it down on the floor before going into the portal that took both of the hell spawned anti-heroes back to their apartment building.

"How long have we been gone?" Spawn asked frantically.

"In this time, about 5 minutes," Ghost Rider replied.

"That leaves me enough time to fix things up with my wife. Thanks for your help," Spawn ran back to his apartment.

"You're welcome," Ghost Rider muttered before going back to his own apartment.

**Back at Spawn's apartment**

She-Spawn had been curled up in her bed crying ever since she had that argument with her husband which wasn't that long ago. She loved her husband but she hated his stubbornness. She was just about to cry herself to sleep before she noticed her bedroom door open. She would've used her combat training to take down the intruder before she noticed it was her husband. She couldn't look at him right now so she looked away from him as he sat down on the bed and bowed his head.

"What, are you here to tell me you're going back to your ex and help her raise her bastard child?" She-Spawn questioned.

"No…I-I came to apologize." Spawn whispered.

"What?"

"Angie I just spent 5 minutes with Ghost Rider and I realized that you're the best thing to ever happen to me. I've taken you for granted and I've been living in the past for too long. You were right, Wanda fears me and thinks I'm dead but you, you actually put up with me for so long. And you know something, I rather be a burnt up janitor with a wife who loves me then not have you in my life at all."

She-Spawn listened to his apology and knew instantly that everything he said was sincere. She walked up to him, sat on his lap, and hugged him. Spawn hugged back and nuzzled her long red hair with his cheek.

"And I really do want to start a family with you. I don't care what it takes but I'll make sure that we're the best family we can be." He added.

She-Spawn looked him in the face and knew he wasn't lying. "You, uh, want to start tonight?"

Spawn said nothing as he grabbed his wife bridal style and she squealed in delight as he softly tossed her on the bed.

**3 HOURS LATER**

"Oh yeah! Fuck me Spawn! Fuck me!" This was all Ghost Rider heard from his neighbors. For the last 3 hours, they'd been going at it like wild rabbits and it was irritating him. He walked to the wall where he knew that their bedroom was and punched a small hole in it.

"Shut up in their or I'll make you watch the uncut version of Howard the Duck!" after yelling those 3 horrible words the loud moaning turned to a squeaking bed. He walked back into his apartment only to see of all people, Jesus Christ in elegant robes surrounded by a shining white light.

"My child you-"

"Cut the act Jesus I know you better!" Ghost Rider cut the son of god off.

Jesus just sighed. "I knew you wouldn't fall for this crap."

Jesus took of his robes to reveal that he's wearing a white shirt and black jeans and he's standing on stilts. He gets off the stilts to reveal that he's only 5 foot six inches. He then takes off his brown wig to reveal his short, white dyed hair and takes off his fake beard. He sits down next to Ghost Rider on his couch.

"My dad sent me to congratulate you. This' the first time you solved a problem without using your penance stare. Or a Lindsay Lohan movie."

"Whatever," Ghost Rider grumbled.

"Don't worry Rider; I'm sure one day you'll get a woman to say she loves you. Hell who knows how long until She-Hulk's single again," Jesus reassured Ghost Rider but Ghost Rider just growled.

There was a brief pause before Jesus decided to speak up again. "So what you watching?"

"Nightmare on Elm Street marathon."

"Mind if I join you? I got nothing else to do," Jesus asked the road hog from hell.

"Grab a soda and order some more pizza, it's going to be a long night," Ghost Rider replied.

**A/N: I originally wanted Spider-Man and Deadpool to have cameos but then I realized that I didn't want them to divert attention from Ghost Rider or Spawn. Also I don't hate Todd McFarlane I'd just love it if he went back to working on Spider-Man.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Ghost Rider, Jesus, Spawn, She-Spawn, or any of the other names mentioned in this story.


End file.
